positive conversations – Positive Woman Connection

Gathering around the table is a special time for family and friends to connect, share, laugh, and eat…a lot. Our hope is for happy conversations as we reflect on shared memories and common interests. But the dream of delightful discourse doesn’t always play out as we wish. How can we build on the positive and manage around the negative at our holiday table? Here are a few thoughts:

Initiate the Positive – Start your interactions with an uplifting tone, looking for ways to sincerely encourage those around you. Guard against grumbling, gossiping, or complaining. By focusing on what is good and praiseworthy, we create a positive atmosphere in the home. Let’s be on the lookout for ways to build one another up, show gratitude, and bring pleasant words to the table.

Ask Good Questions – Think of a few good and appropriate conversation starters to add if there is a quiet moment. Questions such as: What is one thing you are thankful for from this past year? What is the best book you have read this year? What is one satisfying accomplishment you have achieved this year?

Keep in mind that you can also use questions to defuse a challenging or abrupt statement. What has led you to believe that way? Can you tell us how you arrived at that point? Questions like these can open up an opportunity for someone to share their heart.

You can also use questions to defer a conversation until later. Would you mind if we talked about that topic after the meal? I really want to hear what you have to say, but it may be best to talk about that subject later.

Listen Well – Pay attention to what others are saying rather than trying to promote your personal viewpoint. Being a good listener means not only listening to the words someone is saying, but also noticing their tone and body language. Everyone has a desire to be seen and heard, so give the gift of your attention and help build an atmosphere of kind conversation. Again, if someone brings up a perspective you disagree with, ask a good question. Tell me more about why you feel that way, and I’d love to share my perspective with you as well. Would that be okay?

Don’t Be Easily Offended – Sometimes we need to allow statements to roll off of us like water on a duck’s back. Try not to take things personally, but rather attempt to understand why someone said what they said. Recognize that everyone says foolish and/or offensive statements at times. They are not always trying to offend. Silence can be a powerful tool to dissuade a heated conversation, so let’s be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Forgive people’s random comments and choose to be unoffendable.

Maintain a Kind Tone – How we say things can make a monumental difference in the way they are received. Instead of sternly questioning, “Why would you say that?” Employ a kind tone and say, “Help us understand a little more about your point of view.” Kindness, humility, and respect are qualities of love that reflect and honor the Lord. Let us demonstrate His love in all we say and do, while holding onto His truth.

Finally, I am not implying that we shift or move from what is right and true. God’s word offers life-changing truth. We can lovingly lead people to the foundational principles we find there through kind and healthy discourse. Always remember that God’s ways seem foolish to unbelievers, so let us first point lovingly to Him. The apostle Paul’s description of love can be our motto in all our conversations this holiday season.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Photo by Hannah Busing on Unsplash

businesswoman with phone

When speaking to audiences, I often talk about the importance of being an encourager rather than a discourager. Granted, constructive criticism and wise concern have their place. I’m not saying we ought to be some sort of “Yes” people who always agree with everyone about everything with disingenuous flattery. A true encourager is not only uplifting, but she is also honest, sincere and specific with her comments. She uses her words to help build up and lead others in the direction of their best interest. An encourager is looking out for the good of the other individual and focusing on the possibilities instead of hunting and pecking at what could go wrong and zapping the hope right out of a person. A wise encourager looks with discernment for the solid stepping stones to help a person walk forward into the future, without giving false hope or unrealistic expectations.

Let’s use our opportunities to critique with a judicious sense of caution. How do you know when it is the right time to share a concern or a dissenting opinion? The best way to discern if your criticism is worth voicing is to ask yourself, “Will my comments essentially be helpful to the betterment of the individual and the situation?” Constructive criticism possesses at its very core a desire to create positive change, building others up rather than tearing them down. Bottom line, we must look at our motivation before we spill out a negative appraisals or derogatory comments. Jealousy, envy and rivalry are often the ugly, hidden motivations of a critical spirit. The queen of critique can harm hearts, reputations and opportunities when she spews her poisonous venom. May God help each one of us examine the deep and hidden motives in our hearts and take the log out of our own eye before trying to remove the splinter from someone else’s.
Worries, fears and focusing on the negative outcomes can also quickly turn us into Debbie Downers and Nancy Negatives. These women tend to cause defeat in someone’s life before the game even starts because they feel it is their duty to save people from making mistakes or going down difficult roads. But what if we let people follow their dreams and make a few mistakes in the process? Then haven’t they learned and grown in the process? Let’s not be a discouraging voice just because we are afraid of what may happen. Yes, there is a delicate balance between helping someone see the potholes and discouraging their dreams all together. There is no perfect answer to the dilemma. The most important piece of advice I can give you is to wait before you point out a negative. I have found for me personally, before I allow a negative comment (intended to help the other person see the problems of course), I wait. Often I wait several days in order to see if the situation has worked itself out, and most of the time I never need to say anything!
Criticizing people behind their back is never helpful and is a big red flag that our motivation is not pure. Discretion and discernment are the traits of a wise person who uses their ability to assess an individual, or situation or idea with guarded reproof. On the other hand, the constant dripping of condemnation from a faultfinding friend can cause disunity, generating a negative environment whether it is in a family, a neighborhood or at work.
If you must offer a critique, always do it in the spirit of helpfulness and strength. Begin by praising what you see that is right in the person or situation, then carefully open up a broader perspective. Words like, “Have you thought about it this way?” Or “Could it be possible to…?” These phrases help the recipient take in your idea without feeling ridiculed or discouraged. Whenever you must relay a negative evaluation, try to offer positive alternatives as well. Most important, determine in your heart that you will live a life of encouragement as you see the best in others.

This is an excerpt from Positive Leadership Principles for Women. Get your copy by clicking the info below.

Positive Leadership Principles for Women: 8 Secrets to Inspire and Impact Everyone Around You

By Karol Ladd / Harvest House Publishers

As a woman you have the chance to make a positive difference in your family, community, and society. In Positive Leadership for Women Karol Ladd uses examples from the lives of people in the Bible to highlight eight godly leadership principles and attitudes that will inspire you to grow in your role as a godly influencer.